January 2006
a bridge story from "Ann Williams" 
 
A doctor is called away from a bridge tournament to tend 
to an emergency.  There is still the last board to  play.  
They ask a kibitzer to take his place, although he knows 
nothing  about the game. They tell him "Just bid what you 
have got and follow suit". He, sitting South, thereupon 
starts the following bidding  sequence:
 
South           West         North        East
 
1C              pass          2H           pass
2S              pass          3C           pass
3H              pass          4NT          pass
7D              Dbl           pass!        pass
pass
 
This is the  deal
 
                            NORTH
 
                            S -  A9
                            H -  AKQ65
                            D -  AK
                            C -  Q 10 54
 
WEST                                             EAST
S -    K Q 10  8                                S -   76542
H -    J 10  97                                 H -   8
D -    Q  10                                    D -   J9
C -    K J 8                                    C -   987632
 
                             SOUTH
                             S -   J3
                             H -   432
                             D -   8765432
                             C -   A
 
South took the lead of  the king of spades with the ace, cashed 
the ace and king of trumps, came to  hand with the ace of clubs 
and played all his diamonds. On the last one, West  was hopelessly 
squeezed in hearts and spades, and ultimately discarded a  heart, 
whereupon South made the last four tricks in hearts.
 
When the opposition saw  South's hand, they called the director, 
who asked for an explanation of the  bidding, and got the following 
reply:
 
"I was told to bid what I  have got, and I have one club, two 
spades, 3 hearts and 7  diamonds!" 
   

email from a bridge player  (author of original is unknown)
 
I was interviewing a cleaning woman who was applying for
a position in helping with the upkeep in a house I was 
rehabing and occupying in this small town Florida community. 
When I asked the reason she had left her last employer, she 
replied, "Well, sir, they paid good wages, but I'm tellin' 
ya, it was the most ridiculous and sinful place I've ever 
worked."

"My last night they were playing some kind of game called 
Bridge and a lot of local town folks were there that I 
recognized from the social pages of our town newspaper. 
I was about to bring in the refreshments, when I heard 
a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you' ve got." 
Another man said, "I've got strength but no length." 
Then another man says to a lady, "Take your hand off my 
trick!""

"I pretty near dropped the tray and dropped dead just then,
when I was shocked to my senses to hear the lady answer, 
"You jumped me twice when you said you didn't have the 
strength for one more raise.""

"Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. And I 
couldn't believe it, in this respectable community, hearing 
yet another lady call out, "Now it's time for me to play with 
your husband and you can play with mine.""

"Well, with them shenanigans goin' on, I just got my hat and
coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them 
didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll all go home now. cuz this 
is the last rubber.""


email from a bridge player  (author of original is unknown)
 
Subject:  21 Reasons Why Bridge Is Better Than Sex
 
For bridge players only.........maybe u won't agree!!!!!!


 1. You don't have to hide your bridge magazines.

 2. It is perfectly acceptable to hire a pro to play bridge with you  once in a while.

 3. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about bridge.

 4. If your partner takes pictures of you at the table, you don't have to
    worry about them showing up in the tabloids when you become famous.

 5. Your partner doesn't become upset about people you played bridge with long ago.

 6. It is perfectly acceptable to play bridge with a total stranger.

 7. When you see a really good bridge player, you don't have to feel guilty
    about imagining the two of you at the table together.

 8. When your regular partner is not available, he/she will not mind
    if you play bridge with someone else.

 9. No one will ever tell you that you will go blind if you play  bridge by yourself.

 10. When dealing with a bridge pro, you never have to worry that he (she)  is an 
     undercover cop.

 11. You can have a bridge calendar on your wall at the office, tell
     bridge jokes and invite co-workers to play bridge without being sued for harassment.

 12. There are no bridge-transmitted diseases (except the compulsion to play more)

 13. You don't have to lock the door when you play bridge on the Internet, and when you visit a 
     bridge website you won't get emails from a Siam-teenage-sluts.com for the rest of your life.

 14. Nobody expects you to play bridge with the same partner for the rest of your life.

 15. Nobody expects you to give up bridge if your partner loses interest in it.

 16. You can still "do it" in your 80`s, and people won't gasp in horror if they find out.

 17. Your bridge partner will never say, "Not again, we just played
     bridge last week! Is Bridge all you ever think about "(Oops!..maybe they will!)

 18. A man doesn't need lots of finesse(s) to be successful at bridge, but
     then he needs some squeezes.

 19. The phrase "could be short" carries no negative connotation. .

 20. The principle of "Fast Arrival" would not be regarded negatively.

 21. If the partnership agrees on two over one, it wouldn't be considered an orgy.

07/05/04

 
*    It's not enough to win the tricks that belong to you. Try also for
some that belong to the opponents....Alfred Sheinwold
*    The real test of a bridgeplayer isn't in keeping out of trouble, but in
escaping once he's in....Alfred Sheinwold
*    If you have the slightest touch of masochism, you'll love this game.
*    One gets used to abuse. It's waiting for it that is so
trying....Rueful Rabbit
*    Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last him all
his life, he can't afford to waste it on bridge partners....Alfred Sheinwold
*    One advantage of bad bidding is that you get practice at playing
atrociouos contracts...Alfred Sheinwold
*    "Where's the hand you held during the auction?" ... a comment Jan
Nanitschke has made when dummy hits.
*    It is not the handling of difficult hands that makes the winning
player. There aren't enough of them. It is the ability to avoid messing up
the easy ones....Alan Sontag
*    I'd like a review of the bidding with all the original inflections.
*    Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge
means helping partner avoid mistakes...Frank Stewart
*    A player who can't defend accurately should try to be declarer...Alfred
Sheinwold
*    The real secret of the expert is to make logic seem like flair...Hugh
Kelsey
*    If you play bridge with your wife as partner, you need at least 20
points to open, and it wouldn't hurt to have 25...Joe James
*    Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
them all yourself... Alfred Sheinwold
*    I think we're all a little masochistic. Otherwise, why would we
continue to play bridge?
*    We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what
I was doing.
*    Your play was much better tonight, and so were your excuses.
*    We play forcing hesitations.
*    A fellow had made a bad bid and gone down for 1400. "I'm sorry," he
said to his partner, "I had a card misplaced." Asked his partner innocently,
"Only one card?"... Charles Goren
*    If I did everything right, I wouldn't be playing with you!

06/08/03

Rookie................... Cindy Wheeler
Junior Master............ Frank Tirsch
Sectional Master......... Ruth Killen
Regional Master.......... Gloria Shoults
NABC Master.............. Ralph Folkerts
Bronze Life Master....... Betty Primm
Diamond Life Master...... Mark Kessler

03/10/03

UNIT 208 NEWS

	The board of directors of Unit 208 met during the Decatur Sectional.  
The board voted upon several issues of interest to members.  The board approved 
providing financial support for Unit 208 members who win their flight in the 
Grand National Teams and the North American pairs and who attend the finals of 
the respective events at the Nationals.  Financial support was not provided in 
calendar year 2002 in an effort to conserve unit funds.  For the GNT’s, each Unit 
208 team member will receive $200 with a team maximum payout of $800.  The 
District finals are to be held in Springfield on April 5 and 6, 2003. For the 
NAPs, the District pays airline and hotel expenses for first place winners. 
Because of this,there is no need for the unit to provide additional support. The 
unit will pay $150 each to Unit 208 member who finishes second in each flight.  
The board voted to eliminate any award for third place finishers.

	The board also voted to increase the amount charged at sectionals to $8 
per session.  This increase was necessary to ensure that sectionals make at least 
some profit in order that the Unit can continue to reimburse the clubs for holding 
STACs and the various special games throughout the year.

	The Peoria sectional is scheduled for March 7-9, 2003 at the Hult Center 
in Peoria, and Quincy is holding a sectional May 3-4, 2003.  All are encouraged 
to attend. 


ABOUT UNIT 208

	The American Contract Bridge League (ACBL) is the national governing body 
for duplicate bridge in the United States.  Local bridge clubs, such as the Bridge 
Club of Springfield, are given a franchise by the ACBL, which allows the local 
club to hold games and award masterpoints for the top finishers in local club 
games.  For governing purposes, the ACBL divides the country into districts, and 
each district has a member who sits on the national ACBL board of directors.  We 
are located in District 8.  The districts are divided into units, each of which 
has a board of directors.  There are 5 units in District 8:  the St. Louis area, 
Southern Illinois and the area around Paducah, Kentucky, the part of northern 
Illinois north of interstate 80 around Rockford, but excluding Chicago area, the 
northern Indiana area all the way to Fort Wayne, and the central Illinois area.  
The central Illinois area is called Unit 208 and runs from Danville to Quincy and 
north to about interstate 80.  Chuck Zalar is the local representative on the unit 
board.

	The principal function of the district that concerns local players is the 
sponsorship of regional tournaments.  District 8 holds yearly regionals in 
St. Louis, Champaign, Paducah, Fort Wayne and Rockford.  The primary function of 
the units is to sponsor sectional tournaments.  Unit 208 holds sectionals in 
Bloomington, Peoria, Decatur, Springfield, and for the first time this year, in 
Quincy.  The unit board has established a policy of using the profits from the 
sectionals to reimburse local clubs for the additional charges made by the ACBL 
for conducting “special games” such as STAC games, international games and 
qualifying games for the North American pairs.  In this manner, local players 
benefit from unit activities.  Without this reimbursement policy, the cost of 
playing in the special games would range from $1 to $3 more for the club player. 
The unit also has a policy of providing a travel subsidy for those unit members 
who win the North American Pair district level event in each flight and the 
winning Grand National Team members.  The purpose of this award is to help defray 
the cost of attending the national finals of these events as the representative of 
the district.

	Without your participation in sectional tournaments, none of this would be 
possible, so we encourage your attendance.

	


E-mailed by a club member, a little poetry...



I'm giving up bridge - tonight's my last night,
It's Amen to Stayman, I give up the fight
The Transfers and No-trumps keep giving me troubles,
I can't sleep at night for thinking of Doubles.

If it weren't for the coffee and really good food,
I'd have left long ago when opponents were rude.
The gloaters and whiners will make you plain crazy,
And you often wonder if the slow ones are dazey.

My cards and my partner's seem to be rotten,
Playing a hand is what I've sadly forgotten
Who has played what and what are the trumps?
Revokes and misbids make all of us grumps.

So for now it's all over - I'm off to the backwoods,
I'm waving good-bye to Gerber and Blackwoods,
I can't stand the hassle, I can't stand the pain,
I'm making these bad plays again and again.

I'm giving up bridge - tonight's a bad night,
Defense is horrid and nothing's gone right.
Who can keep track of Ace from Ace-Kings,
Odd-=Even discards and MUD, of all things.

Then my partner is slow and a real bidding dope,
His weak two's are trouble and I'm losing all hope.
My points are not high, and I'm wondering why,
He keeps on bidding right up to the sky.

We're in 3-No again and all my hope fades,
When surprise, surprise, his high bidding pays.
We were winning all tricks and defenders felt sick,
I have to admit my partner's sometimes a brick

But I'm giving up bridge - tonight's my last night
Farwell to conventions - I give up the fight!
Stuff those Splinters and Cuebids right into the trash,
Along with Bergen and DONT, Michaels and CRASH.

So I leave with few words but some that are true,
Bridge may be a game not for me but for you.
You be kind to your partners and don't mind their cheek,
For it's only a game - oh! and see you tomorrow.

                                                 ... Anonymous